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PostPosted: 24 Jan 2010 21:03 
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Hey guys!

Saw this on the brazillian version of Uncyclopedia. Don't know if anyone have ever seen this.. It's quite funny.. I searched it in english but couldn't find it anywhere and I guess it's not originally written in portuguese, so I had to translate back to english. It may contain lots of errors, but I did my best.. sorry about anything.

Hope you like it! :D


0. Reality is a RPG in which Hansi is the Master.

01. Hansi isn't tenor. He isn't baritone. He isn't bass either. Actually, Hansi Kursch's vocal range can only by

expressed by a math formula, which is: {x?R|-8=x=+8}.

02. Hansi Kursch have read all the books that you have read, thought about reading, heard of or doesn't even know

about the existence, and did at least one song about each one of them.

03. Do you really think Hansi uses overdubs?

04. Hansi Kursch already went beyond the realms of death. And got bored.

05. Every day, Hansi passes ten hours reading, ten hours singing, and the remaining ten hours of the day just

being better than you.

06. And if Hansi Kursch's said the day has 30 hours, it's because the day HAS 30 hours.

07. The Silmarillion was based on Nightfall In Middle Earth.

08. Hansi Kursch didn't get fat. He aquired power. A LOT of power.

09. Eventhough the lights donesn't worK, Hansi can see your shining bright eyes.

10. Hansi doesn't make bad jokes. You're just not at His level.

11. Hansi doesn't have vocal chords, he has a full orchestra.

12. Hansi speaks all the languages in the world, without any accent. He's just pretending to be a normal person.

13. Hansi doesn't play too much fantasized videogames. According to him, it's dull to play an autobiography.

14. Hansi was known as Iluvitar. But after a few ages, he got tired of his name and decided to change it.

15. Hansi has all the three Silmarils. They're His favorite aquarium little rocks.

16. Hansi had a spider when he was a kid. It was called Ungoliant.

17. If Hansi says so, Peter Pan WAS in Mordor.

18. Hansi eats Edu Falaschi and Andre Matos for breakfast.

19. A beautiful day, Hansi decided to play War. Later on, this match was known as the Crusades.

20. You don't use a tuner to find out which note Hansi hit. You have to uses a seismograph.

21. Hansi Kursch felt like singing with all his voice in New Orleans in 2006. The gig was known as Katrina.

22. No sane person enters in the same studio room where Hansi is singing. Marcus Siepen's legs still remember the

day he dared such thing.

23. A HKOSP (Hansi Kursch Oridnary Singing Power) is measured by CNRHK
(Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks).


24. Hansi Kursch is better than you.


25. Fabio Lione is Hansi's pet.

26. Hansi is known also as the 5th horseman. And the 4th and 3rd and the 2nd.

27. ...And the 1st.

28. Certain time Hansi built up his own toilet flush. This event was know as "The Fall of Numenor".

29. After the disaster with his toilet flush, he decided to use a cesspool. It was known as The Chamber of Fire.

30. Do you remember Hansi's aquarium? Well, they use to call it Atlantida.

31. Hansi Kursch once sang in the Indic Ocean. The wave hit Asia and Africa and caused serious damages.

32. Hansi Kursch said his first words at his 3 days old. His parents, amazed, recorded the son, yet so young,

speaking. Years later, Hansi released the tape entitled "And Then There Was Silence".

33. Just a reminder: Hansi is better than you.

34. You will never sing like Hansi. See rule #24 and #33.

35. Hansi is the only person in the world that make people feel joy when he says "Welcome to Dying".

36. They say that a Hansi's out of tune note
heals from AIDS, cancer and other diseases.

37. Hansi is NEVER out of tune.

38. Tom Bombadil was one of Hansi's kindergarden
nicknames.


39. Hansi Kursch is smarter than you. And he is better than you on everything else too.

40. William Shakespeare learned to write selling his soul to Hansi Kursch.

41. The dream of any Hard Rocker is to have as much women at his feet as Hansi have.

42. Gene Simmons says he banged 5 thousand women. Hansi calls it marriage.

43. It is told that if Hansi starts to sing "Bard's Song" a crowd invariably appears.

44. The rule above is valid including Saara and Antarctica.

45. The book "Dungeons & Dragons" had its draft written under the name of "How to be Hansi Kursch".

46. The title was changed after the authors realized that this was impossible, even on imagination.

47. Hansi Kursch is better than you!

48. The Terrasque is Hansi's little dog's flea.
49. The name of the little dog was Huan.

50. Hansi Kursch doesn't scream. The scream is the one who tries to Hansi Kursch.

51. Hansi Kursch wasn't born or raised. He just exists.

52. Hansi Kursch does abseiling and bungee jump, without the robes.

53. The robes Hansi avoids using at bungee jumping and abseiling, he uses to hang Timo Kotipelto.

54. Hansi Kursch wrote his first wording on kindergarden. It was called The Lord Of The Rings and was edited in

short version by his English teacher, J. R. R. Tolkien.

55. Certain time, they tried to create Hansi's profile for D&D. They couldn't create a so mighty being, but they

sold the profile as the book "Epic Levels".

56. Every headbanger worships the Metal God. The Metal God worships Hansi.

57. When Hansi was born, he started to scream. His birthday was known as Big Bang.

58. Originally, Trimurti hindu was built by 4 gods and was called Quadrimmurti. One of the gods was Hansi, but he

gave up, because all the other 3 could not be compared to him.

59. Hansi hates His fans that play RPG and think that it is not for real.

60. Hansi Kursch never made his voice harsh. When he needed he used a chainsaw.

61. It was Hansi's scream that opened the red sea for Moses to cross. He would hold his scream time enough so the

egyptian could cross too, but he probably had something more important to do.

62. Hansi didn't sing on Avantasia simply because he couldn't stop laughing at such a mediocre invite.

63. Hansi Kursch kicks Chuck Norris' ass.

64. The microphone He uses on gigs? Just a esthetic acessory. We all know that even whispering, Hansi's voice can

be clearly listened by everyone, in every corner of a crowded football stadium. Including bathrooms.

65. In fact, Hansi's mic is important, indeed. Once it is equiped with the most modern sound damping devices that

there is. Without them, a simple whisper from Hansi could blow up the eardrums - and the heads - of all living

beings in a radius of thousands of miles . Doubt it? Study about the time when Hansi sang without a microphone in

Africa. The region is nowadays known as Saara desert.

66. Oscar Wilde fell for Hansi. Hansi, that wasn't gay, nor a Simple Plan member, didn't love him back. Mercyful,

though, told him a story about a young man that would never grow old.

67. How come you didn't know Hansi's your father?

68. You didn't know he is your grandpa too?

69. Andre, Marcus, Fred, Thomen, Oliver and all the other members of the band are just stage decoration. See item

11.

70. When Hansi Kursch wants to bang a woman he says: "OPEN WIDE THE GATE, FRIEND. THE KING WILL COME!!!"

71. Reminder: Hansi is better than you.

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 02:52 
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:lol: 6, 9, 17, 25, 28, 35 and 67.

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 12:58 
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I laughed with a lot of them :lol:


but 69 is a blasphemy

Marcus makes air with his headbanging and his hair not just on the front lines of the crowd but on the whole stadium in order to keep the temperature in normal levels because of the thunders and fireballs Andre is unleashing with his solos.
And there was a mistake also..the earthquake actually comes from Frederik's double pedal.
Oliver is just doing what he loves to do:making your liver climb up to your mouth and then go down and come out from your ass with his bass 16nth notes.
And little Michael on the back tries to play some good music HAHAHA :lol:

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 13:20 
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teo_guardian wrote:
I laughed with a lot of them :lol:


but 69 is a blasphemy

Don't forget that André has been the main composer of Blind Guardian's past music.
Not sure if things are still this way now, but well, just check BGs earlier albums, André is even listen before Hansi!
Plus, Marcus has written some beautiful ballads, and I'm really curious to hear something from Fred. Don't know if he will compose something, but It'll be great to hear some more folkish stuff from him in the songs!

Oh and nice stuff, thanks for sharing!!! :lol:

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Yeah, because we have a pretty sad song here, and you all seem so happy to me...!"

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 14:55 
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Wicked Child wrote:
07. The Silmarillion was based on Nightfall In Middle Earth.

This one's genius :lol:

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 15:18 
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Andre has mostly the starting ideas while Hansi helps shape them to perfection. Something like that was said by Hansi on a D&W interview.


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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 15:45 
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I just read in an interview Hansi likes Sonata Arctica and sometimes Rhapsody :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 16:09 
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Some of those are really good, some of those are lowest Chuck Norris Facts level...

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 20:43 
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6, 7, 13, 14, 17, 22, 35,40, 56. Amen.

Andreas wrote:
I just read in an interview Hansi likes Sonata Arctica and sometimes Rhapsody :mrgreen:

he also said he likes Dimmu Borgir and Soilwork.. and the Dixie Chicks, as a matter of fact :roll:
(btw, what interview are you talking about?)

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 21:07 
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He also mentioned Travis, good boy :mrgreen: It's almost entirely below (one of the last questions)

http://lordsofmetal.nl/showinterview.php?id=993

Enjoy!

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PostPosted: 25 Jan 2010 22:44 
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haha, I've no need to go to Holland for a gig then, I can just stand outside my door and listen to Hansi scream !

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PostPosted: 26 Jan 2010 02:38 
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Andreas wrote:
He also mentioned Travis, good boy :mrgreen: It's almost entirely below (one of the last questions)

http://lordsofmetal.nl/showinterview.php?id=993

Enjoy!

thanks.. didn't know that one...

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PostPosted: 26 Jan 2010 03:09 
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Wow, these are the 71 commandments to live by! Hansi is amazing, and if he likes the Dixie Chicks, then they must be great!


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PostPosted: 26 Jan 2010 10:29 
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alleyesonazarath wrote:
Wow, these are the 71 commandments to live by! Hansi is amazing, and if he likes the Dixie Chicks, then they must be great!


As he said: everyone's got a skeleton in the cupboard somewhere :lol:

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Oh, and by the way.. Hansi is God :)
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PostPosted: 26 Jan 2010 20:04 
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Quote:
21. Hansi Kursch felt like singing with all his voice in New Orleans in 2006. The gig was known as Katrina.


This one's in a little poor taste, I think...

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PostPosted: 27 Jan 2010 03:02 
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There were a few in terrible taste

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PostPosted: 27 Jan 2010 04:36 
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Remember, laughter is a coping mechanism. It's necessary to learn to laugh at bad things. If we all forced ourselves to feel horrible about every horrible event that happens every day, we'd all die of grief! :lol:


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PostPosted: 27 Jan 2010 06:12 
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Some things you just don't laugh at, which is coming from someone in the most laid back country who takes the piss out of everything... there is a line, it does get crossed, that's when the laughter stops

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PostPosted: 27 Jan 2010 14:01 
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Funny, but they sound a lot like the chuck norris jokes in world of warcraft


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PostPosted: 27 Jan 2010 14:28 
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Chuck Norris jokes didn't originate from WoW. The jokes didn't come from it but it started the whole Chuck Norris thing, Conan O'Brien show. He had a lever that whenever he pulled it it'd show a clip of Texas Walker Ranger with some of Chuck Norris's Badassery.

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PostPosted: 28 Jan 2010 02:47 
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And yet no one notices that the list starts on 0 and that there are in fact 72 facts.

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PostPosted: 28 Jan 2010 04:36 
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Noticed, not really worth commenting on though

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PostPosted: 29 Jan 2010 02:21 
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My World of Warcraft character is named HansiKursch, so I found this list quite comical, and a really good list to boot! Praise be to Hansi!

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PostPosted: 31 Jan 2010 09:43 
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All of them are good except #69.

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PostPosted: 31 Jan 2010 19:35 
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+1

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Is in with Bender on his plan

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PostPosted: 31 Jan 2010 20:22 
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so you laugh about Chuck Norris facts, too?

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PostPosted: 31 Jan 2010 20:52 
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I have some additional ones:

- People often ask themselves what Jesus would do. Jesus always asks himself what Hansi would do.
- When Hansi says he is working on the orchestra project it means he waits till the world is ready for it
- It is not a belly it is a counterbalance to his voice.


well your's are better anyway

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PostPosted: 01 Feb 2010 00:17 
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Quote:
- It is not a belly it is a counterbalance to his voice.

I liked this one. :lol:

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PostPosted: 02 Feb 2010 02:01 
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5 rules, must be a Facebook status or something :lol:

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PostPosted: 04 Feb 2010 05:18 
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Traveller in Time wrote:
I
- It is not a belly it is a counterbalance to his voice.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

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PostPosted: 08 Feb 2010 18:17 
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:shock:

sometimes this section is more than just a little creepy...

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PostPosted: 09 Feb 2010 14:18 
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Little Dragon wrote:
:shock:

sometimes this section is more than just a little creepy...


Of course, that always happens in the 4th year with no new BG stuff. People get crazy ;)

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PostPosted: 09 Feb 2010 20:11 
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That explains all the YIP YIP YIP-stuff

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PostPosted: 24 Feb 2010 17:06 
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When Hansi Kursch wants to bang a woman he says: "OPEN WIDE THE GATE, FRIEND. THE KING WILL COME!!!" :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

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PostPosted: 24 Feb 2010 17:10 
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Marko_Metal Sound wrote:
When Hansi Kursch wants to bang a woman he says: "OPEN WIDE THE GATE, FRIEND. THE KING WILL COME!!!" :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


Hansi is married and he is not an asshole also.He would never cheat on his wife.

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PostPosted: 24 Feb 2010 17:46 
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teo_guardian wrote:
Marko_Metal Sound wrote:
When Hansi Kursch wants to bang a woman he says: "OPEN WIDE THE GATE, FRIEND. THE KING WILL COME!!!" :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


Hansi is married and he is not an asshole also.He would never cheat on his wife.


Indeed, Hansi is a nice person, but that's because this last one is the most funny:) or should I say more vicious one

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